Wait. Hold on a second. Did I actually just watch Kate Middleton, Dutchess of Cambridge prance out of the hospital to show off her babe less than eight hours after giving birth?
I have so many questions.
What is holding her vagina together? We all know it probably looks like a pepperoni pizza run over by a semi truck down there right now. She should lay down before it all falls apart.
Heels? Nope. My sausage feet were not being stuffed into anything other than slippers three sizes too big for me. I had 10 extra pounds in just my ankles. No amount of ice could have sorted those things out.
Let's talk for a minute about her face. Why are all the blood vessels not broken from screaming at her balding sperm donor and pushing that watermelon-sized prince out of her vagina?
Is that baby sleeping? Why isn't she sleeping?
Her hair. Did she seriously just get a blow out? My hair goes directly into a struggle bun immediately after I shower and stays there for an undisclosed number of days when I get to shower again. She looks fresh.
Who chose that dress? Baggy enough to hide the mesh underwear and yacht sized bloody maxi pad and the perfect colour to camouflage the savage mess seeping out the sides of it. Give them a raise.
And finally hats off to the Dutchess, who looks a million times better just hours after giving birth than I do on my best day.
PS remember Dutchess, whatever you do, don't look in the toilet after your first pee... #murderscene