I’m kind of jealous of Karen Alpert.
She can write a best-selling book, an NY Times bestseller of all the thoughts and jokes I’ve had on many occasions before about parenting.
However, Karen isn’t a sissy like I am when it comes to speaking the truth and nothing but the truth about parenting, in most cases anyways. I'm typically pretty open and don't sugar coat it much, although I do tend to hold back sometimes.
So kudos to Karen. She deserves all the recognition she can get for this hilarious book, which was inspired by her parenting blog called Baby Sideburns.
I will tell you right now the name behind her blog (because I'm sure you're wondering) comes from how terrified Karen was her second child would inherit her hairy-ness and be born with sideburns.
Anyways, Karen writes about the things that we all think, all the time I'm sure (most of us anyways) but are either too scared to say it for fear of judgement, or fear of facing reality or the truth about being a mommy. Or simply the fear of having our children taken away.
Sometimes we're scared to voice these things because we might sound too negative. We don’t want to dwell on the crappy times and I know sometimes I certainly realize I have to get over the fact parenting is hard. Just deal with it, often comes to mind.
Karen is very negative, but in a very comical way. So she can get away with it I think.
I commend her for being so truthful. And for being so hilarious too.
Here are some of my favourite lines of hers from the book, which is mostly made up of bits and pieces of experiences, one-liners, and summarized lists.
In the chapter 'New Year's resolutions I plan on breaking the shit out of':
I will no longer eat my kids' leftover French fries, chicken nuggets, bagels, sandwich crusts, ice-cream cones, cake frosting, pizza crusts etc. etc. etc. Because last year I was basically a human food disposal. I might as well have just tipped my head backward over the sink and let people scrape their plates straight into my mouth. It would have been less degrading than the way I cram ten French fries into my mouth as we're packing up to leave the restaurant. And then ten more while I'm pretending to double-check the table for anything we forgot....
In one of her one-liners:
I love when I blow my nose while I'm peeing. Not only am I multi-tasking, but the pee comes out faster so I'm saving time. Awesome.
And in 'You know you're a mom if...'
2. You discover random shit in your bra when you undress at night.
5. You've had to go to the bathroom for three hours but you keep doing other stuff instead until there's a turtlehead you can't ignore.
Anyways those were a few of the parts where I actually LOL.
The book is a quick read. I know many moms can appreciate this. I have a hard time focusing on reading in the evenings, especially something that’s quite heavy and convoluted, so I was thrilled to pick this up. And obviously I read it before Joseph Boyden's the Orenda (which arrived at the library at the same time and I've been dying to read it but it's like three books thick).
I found myself chuckling quite often reading Karen's take on almost everything, including birth control, the holidays, pooping, etc.
Oddly enough I almost had that warm fuzzy feeling reading this book in some parts, like it was really touching because these are things I’ve awlays felt and wanted to say and someone else is doing the dirty work for me.
So thanks for that Karen!
Now I might just have to go see A Bad Moms Christmas for a double dose of in-your-face parenting reality.